Anywhere But Here

Have you ever wished you could do anything or be anywhere different than where you are expected.  This coming weekend is one of those times.  I am filled with such gloom and sadness that I am not sure I can even get through the rest of the week.

My oldest sister passed away very suddenly last September.  I am devastated and this weekend, her husband is hosting a celebration of her life at their home.  It is the first and only public acknowledgement of her passing.  My sister, a very private person, did not want a ceremony, religious or not, she didn’t want a burial, there is not a headstone. No where that I can go to, to place flowers or sit and talk.   She wanted to be cremated and if he wanted, she wanted my brother in law to have a garden party with her family and their “group”.

I thought I was o.k. with this plan.  I thought I was o.k. with playing the supporting role.  I thought, as a sister, I would receive some deference or acknowledgement that I am hurting and missing my big sister.  One of the most influential people in my 58 years of life.  There wasn’t one important event in my life that she wasn’t there to lend her support, humorous approach and love….except this one.

How do you say goodbye to that part of you that is a sister?  How do you stand by and smile when people you don’t know tell you about your sister, your best friend?  My middle sister will be with me.  We will represent her family, we are all that is left of our family.  We will have each other, but it will still feel like something has been removed from our being.  Last year this time, the three of us were in the Keys.  Regrouping a year after we lost our mom.  Three sisters together; processing and holding on to our shared past.  Now there is only the two of us.

Losing a sister, or a sibling I guess, is different than losing a parent.  You aren’t supposed to watch your sister die.  They are of your generation.  You bury the previous generation together.  This feels unnatural.  It has been a very long 8 months.  I kept thinking that I was doing well and patted myself on the back for handling this life changing event with grace and maturity.  I was just kidding myself.  I want to scream and curse and shake my fist!

i will put on my good face Saturday.  I will do what I need to make sure my brother in law feels supported.  I just hope that someone recognizes how difficult this is for my sister and I and take care of us.

mvb

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Spin, Spin, Spin

This weekend my hubby and I went to a Fiber Fair.  We were supposed to go towards the water, but the weather was just so terrible we chose a different activity.  Fiber is my thing.  I love the colors and the feel of all the wonderful yarns.  I actually think I enjoy looking at the fibers more than I like knitting them.  I have drawers full of fabulous colors and blends.  All projects that I haven’t gotten to yet.  But that is another story.

The day was dreary, but we had a wonderful time.  My husband and I have this thing we do when we go places like festivals and malls.  We separate and plan when we will meet back up.  That way he can look at what he wants and I can take all the time I need to see what I want.  Neither of us has to worry if the other is having fun, we move at our own pace, and we can buy things without the other seeing.  That is my favorite part.  Usually he is the one that makes a purchase.  I love surprises!

This time, when we went our separate ways, I ended up in a booth learning how to spin yarn with a drop spindle.  drop spindleI have one at home and have never really figured out how to use it.  So, for 20 minutes in the middle of this festival, I focused totally on something I wanted to learn.  I can now create my very own magical fibers.  I am no expert yet, but I have made some thread and once I have enough spun, I will make something small.  What a joy!  Little does my husband know that I have a master plan.  I want to add sheep or goats to our little kingdom.  I will drop that bomb after I have mastered the spinning!

Anyway, there I was spinning away is this tent, just totally absorbed in the experience of it all and I happened to glance up.  There he was, a handsome man just smiling at me.  It took me a minute to realize I was looking at my very own man!  He looked so cute, standing there with a package.  Yes, he bought me this awesome bag that was hand-made out of coffee burlap bag.  It is so cool.  I will use it to carry my spindle and roving.

I came home from the day just glowing.  It had been a while since hubby and I got away and just had fun messing around.  I lose sight of the good things in my life when there are so many challenges at one time.  He is the one constant in my life; always there to give me support, back my crazy ideas, tell me when I am off base and love me without strings.  I hope everyone has someone like that in their life.  I wish my children would find that kind of love in their lives.

mvb