I am a 57(gosh weeks from 58) year old woman. I am accomplished. I have run a 30 million dollar business, I have raised two boys on my own. I ride horses which means I can control 1,000 pounds of living breathing animal. So why, why is it so hard for me to tell the people I love what is on my mind! Lets see….
I loved my mother. She died two years ago. I miss her, but not the gut wrenching loss I feel for my sister. But that is besides the point. The point is, that whenever I disagreed with her; tried to assert my independence; express a difference of opinion, she would stop talking to me. Ouch! I don’t mean just short sentences with attitude, I mean totally not talking. Once when I was home from college, we had a tiff over my wearing jeans when her bridge game was going on at our house. I guess I didn’t look nice enough. Anyway, I wouldn’t change, and left the house to go on my date. We didn’t yell, no slamming doors. So imagine my surprise when I got home to total silence. I mean so silent that when I left in the morning to go on a trip, she would not even say good-by. As a matter of fact, when I returned, she didn’t say hello either. Ruined my first adult trip out of the country. For 10 days I obsessed about what would happen when I got home. Talk about withholding love. I don’t think I ever asserted myself with her after that. I was all mom, all the time. What ever you say Mom!
Based on my childhood issue with speaking my mind, I find it hard to tell my loved ones how I feel. I am afraid of them walking out of my life. But, this week I had to speak up to two of the three most important people in my life…my son and my husband. DANGER, DANGER WILL ROBINSON! On both fronts, things had been brewing a while and probably should have been talked about earlier, but gee, I was chicken. So when things brew, they build, and build, and BUILD. Potential for disaster.
I decided Monday, that the time had come to let it all out. On both fronts. I pulled up my big girl panties and made the call to my son. He answered (big surprise), we exchanged pleasantries and then I told him what was on my mind. He got his back up at first; I could hear it in his voice. I got a very quick “well I said I was sorry”. I explained that we shouldn’t even get to sorry; the incident should not have happened; that he hurt my feelings. The conversation ended on a good note; talk of getting together for my birthday. Wow, that was so hard for me. I love that boy more than life and would be devastated if he walked away. But it didn’t happen, the world didn’t explode.
Hubby was just as hard. On the upside we are working to solve an issue. If I had just continued to stew, I doubt that we would have much of a future. But now that the problems are out, we are on the same page and will try to solve them. At least it feels better to have a partner instead of an adversary. And the thing was, he had no clue how I felt. Talking…imagine that!